Monday, April 23, 2012

Current Negative Coggins Tests

I just got off the phone with a woman in Metamora who was looking for a horse for her husband; I don’t even remember her name actually.  I feel bad about this fact, not only because I can't give proper credit where credit is obviously due, but because she enlightened me on a very important topic that I thought I knew pretty much everything about until my discussion with her.  My eyes have been opened, oh Nameless-Horse-Shopper, and I thank you for your kindness and selfless assistance in my ongoing quest to become a better horseperson.  I will now share my newfound knowledge with my readers, in hopes that they too will become better informed about Coggins tests as I have been.

Coggins tests are the life-and-death, be-all-end-all existence around which all horse people should base their lives.  A Coggins test will determine whether or not the sun rises the next morning, and is a biblical sign of the coming Apocalypse.  Presidential elections are not determined by the people’s votes, (that’s merely a cover-up the government wants you to believe); they are determined by a Coggins test.  Earthquakes, tsunamis, all other natural disasters, wars, famine and all violent crimes are committed because they didn’t have current negative Coggins tests.  If a horse doesn’t have one, you should run screaming from the initial phone call because your talking to a seller whose horse will instantly infect yours just by talking to the owner.  Never mind that that particular horse had one drawn LAST year, if the test is considered “expired”, your horse will contract the dreaded Equine Infectious Anemia from your phone conversation and DIE, plain and simple.  A Current Negative Coggins test is so important in the grand scheme of things that it deserves to become a proper noun all its own: Current Negative Coggins Test.  I wonder if it has its own copyright…

A Coggins test tests for infection of the dreaded Equine Infectious Anemia (Yes, I checked an old test just to make sure I spelled it right).  Developed in the 1970s, by Dr. Leroy Coggins, this test is equivalent in importance only to the discovery of gravity.  It is performed yearly by only the holiest of those among us, those whom we call Veterinarians (their name is capitalized….like Cher and Madonna), at the rate of $20-40 dollars, depending on how risky the situation and how much of an asshole your horse is during the blood draw.  No one else but the Veterinarian can draw nor handle the drawn blood for such a test, as it will instantaneously become infected and every horse on your property will DIE.  Some Veterinarians are holier than others; they and they alone can draw a Coggins test on a horse that has never had one drawn.  They have super powers and immunities that will protect them from this dreaded disease. 

You absolutely, positively CANNOT go look at a horse for sale without it having a Current Negative Coggins Test.  This is truly the kiss of death.  By being in the presence of this obviously-infected being, you are guaranteeing that you will carry home blood-sucking insects that have already bitten the infected horse, and are sure to bite any horses you have at home, thereby causing them to die.  People NEVER pull Coggins tests when they purchase a horse, during the standard pre-purchase veterinary exam.  This is extremely risky because those Vets are not as pure as other Vets and will surely transmit this disease to other horses they see later in that day, month and year.   

I have realized that I was sorely mistaken all these years, and I thank the Powers That Be that my horses have not dropped dead from not having Current Negative Coggins tests drawn every 364 days.  I really need to go to church, or maybe do some sort of animal sacrifice or something.  

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