Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Horse Porn

I like to think I'm a fairly open-minded person.  I don't vote (mainly because I have an adversity to waiting in long lines and telephone calls from strangers telling me what I should and shouldn't care about), but I DO know the guy that's in office now just isn't getting the job done.  I have friends of just about every ethnicity and religious group, and yes, I mock them for their differences.  I don't care who you love, as long as you're happy, I think everyone should be entitled to marry whomever the hell they choose.  I also don't think it should cost more to adopt a baby than it does to abort one, but if you want to abort, you should be able to.  I think that's a pretty good argument for my open-mindedness, don't you?

The thing that I just absolutely, positively CANNOT deal with, however, once again comes back to Facebook.  Now, prior to starting this blog, I had a nice little cozy group of Facebook friends that I knew personally in the real world.  Facebook was simply a place for me to post ten thousand pictures of my stupid horse, and send those obnoxious little drawings of Victorian-era people with the funny captions to friends.  If I didn't know you, it didn't matter, because you didn't know me and why would you want to be friends with me anyway?  I'm just that asshole broad with the sorrel gelding.  Just one of a million.

Post-blog, things changed.  I started getting friend-requests from people I'd never even heard of with whom I had absolutely no friends in common.  Now apparently, in Facebook-land, there is some sort of unspoken rule that if I have a profile picture of a horse, and YOU have a profile picture of a horse, then we should automatically be friends because, well, horses are cool and, like, stuff....right?  I suppose somewhere along this time, after fighting a hell of a good battle, I surrendered my "No, I'm not confirming you as a friend, I have no idea who in the hell you ARE" rule of thumb and gave in.  Now, I have three times as many Facebook friends (which validates me as a human being), and I know less than a third of them personally.  Whatever.  I'm still cooler than you are because my friend count is higher than yours.  So there.

The problem is this: the majority of these random friends are horse people, and many of them have mares in foal or are self-proclaimed breeders.  And we aaaaaall know how I feel about those types.  Rather than publicly bash them for their ignorance and stupidity in contributing to the unwanted horse population by breeding shit to shit to get baby-shit, I do my best to ignore their blatant disregard for producing quality horseflesh, and try to find the humor in their status updates of the trials and tribulations of waiting for their mares to foal.  Nothing makes me smile during my morning coffee quite like reading about how so-and-so was up ALL night waiting for her cow-hocked, sway-backed, ewe-necked grade mare to pop that baby out!  Haha, suckers, I slept for ten hours straight!

The statuses are amusing to me, but I just can't deal with the pictures.  The sight of that same conformational-clusterfuck mare heavy in foal make me sad deep down in that tiny little space that people call my heart.  But the worst part is that I just can't understand why anyone would think that the Facebook community would want to see thirty-seven pictures of their mare's udder, teats, or her freakin' hoo-hah!  Listen up, people, I KNOW what that stuff looks like, as does the rest of the horsey-inclinded Facebook world.  I do not need a day-by-day progression of how droopy and sloppy it's getting because she's "almost there"!  Do you take pictures of your wife/sister/daughter's crotch and chest days before she's about to give birth?  No, because that would get you murdered.  Just because your mare doesn't kick your skull in doesn't mean your actions are appreciated.

Have you people noticed that REPUTABLE, responsible breeders don't post those same pictures?  They don't ask the world "How close do you think she is judging by her gargantuan, gaping vagina and the wax on these nipples?".  They don't report the color and consistency of the discharge on a daily basis, and they don't end up being questioned by non-horsey friends who are considering turning them in for bestiality.  Responsible breeders show pics of the mare, who is almost ALWAYS aesthetically pleasing, pictures of the stallion, who is a handsome representation of his breed or discipline, and then they put up the disgustingly-cute pictures once that gorgeous baby is brought into this world.  And then they post the price tag and we all keep on dreaming.

Those are the pictures I want to have plastered all over my news feed.  So please, keep your vaginas tucked away where they should be.  The indecent exposure of your mare's privates isn't something anyone wants to be scarred with.  Thank you for understanding.

2 comments:

  1. Bahahahahaha you did it again.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You are to funny.

    ReplyDelete

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