My father, the motivational speaker

Now that I'm (for all practical purposes) unemployed, I've been spending my free time at my father's auto-repair shop.  Essentially, I get up FAR too early to do nothing but shuttle repaired mail trucks back & forth to home offices, run to pick up parts, and essentially spend 4-6 hours a day being that freeloading daughter that's done nothing remotely productive with her life, and now doesn't even have a stupid hobby to piss away her free time with.  


As I think I've mentioned before, I am the oldest of four children in my family, and still haven't graduated from college.  This is a point of contention between my father and myself, and I'm fairly confident that he's resigned his thoughts of me to somewhere between "Where did I go wrong? Why didn't I just pull out?" and "Well, at least she's too chubby to be a stripper."


This was the pep talk we had this morning in the truck on our way back to the shop:  


"So I got a call back from one of the temp agencies I sent my resume to."


"Oh yeah?  How are you gonna get a job?  You're twenty-four years old, ya got no skills. Ya been playing with horses your whole life. Ya got no job. Ya got nothin' goin' for ya."

"I've got skills!"

"Sleeping around doesn't count cuz you're too damn stupid to charge for it.  Even the smart girls charge for it!"

"...Thanks Dad."






I need a real job.  Stat. 

I want what I want & I want it right now

Lately, stupid people are doing things and I realize why I'm not sorry to be getting out of the rescuing, rehabilitating and reselling business.  For those of you that didn't know, as of last weekend, I moved out of the White Lake facility and decided to board my 3 personal horses out at a private farm so I can start actually enjoying them again.  What a concept, right?!  While I enjoyed working with the sale horses and ponies, and MOST people that I surrounded myself with, it came to the point where it was more of a headache than it was really worth, and I've always said that when it feels like work, I'm done.  I have an aversion to REAL work, just ask my boyfriend.

I have had a lot of great clients these past few years.  And to you all, I say thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving me your money, taking my horses or ponies, and giving them the kinds of homes and lives they deserve.  But mostly for giving me your money.  I bought a lot of neat shit with it.

In all seriousness, I LOVE opening my Facebook page on a Monday morning and seeing pictures from buyers with their kids and the horses I sold them at a show or trail ride the weekend before.  I still keep in touch with a good portion of the owners, and I love getting the "THANK YOU AGAIN! HE'S AWESOME!" texts months and years after they bought from me.  It kind of makes me feel like what I did mattered, at least to someone.

And then I get these buyers who make me want to drive out to their farm, load up the horse, and punch them in the head on the way out.  They don't happen very frequently (thank GOD), but they happen.  And when they do, I wonder why I ever bothered doing this to begin with.  I'm sure any real horseperson reading this knows exactly the kind of person I'm talking about.

These people will call you thirty times in a 24 hour period about one particular horse.  They saw the ad, they watched ALL of the videos you posted of said horse, and they "fell in love/bonded/communicated" with the horse over the computer.  I have a theory on this whole process: If you fall in love/bond/communicate with a damn HORSE over a computer, you should be getting an appointment with a psychologist, not an animal.  When has falling in love with something with hooves over the internet ever gone well for anyone?

Alas, at one point, the teeny-tiny emotional part of me used to think that these people would be great homes to sell a rescued horse or pony to, because they OBVIOUSLY cared a lot about the horse, right?  I'd invite these people out, and tell them to bring a trainer or some other objective, knowledgeable friend that is capable of seeing the REAL horse in front of them and being bluntly honest.  They always complied.  I'm sure with the amount of giddyness these people had built up, I could have told them to bring me the kidney of an African Grey elephant and they would have been on it like a good whore.

I never want to sell someone a horse that won't work for them.  I don't care how much money they give me, it's a pain in the ass because they will ALWAYS call you unhappily later on and it will ALWAYS be your fault that they were stupid and didn't think anything through or listen to you when you said "Hey, this horse has 60 days under saddle, I don't think it'd be a good fit for you when you've been riding at a walk-only for your entire life."  They'll tell you OH YES, they have a trainer! and OH YES, they're going to have LOTS of help working with this horse!  They're not going to do it themselves!  You can meet said trainer, listen with your own ears when said trainer says "Oh no, they're not going to do it themselves.  I'm going to help them." and TRY and feel good about the new partnership you're being backed into making.  I'm learning quickly that people don't CARE what won't work for them, I know NOTHING, even though I've been riding the horse daily for the past three months, they want what they want and they want it RIGHT NOW, goddamnit!  "Forget riding the horse, he's obviously the same one from the videos.  Here's some cash, let's throw it in the trailer!"

These are the people who take home a horse that's used to a non-negotiable set of rules, boundaries, and knows what's expected of it from me....and throw everything right out the goddamn window in the first week:

"What?  You want to push me all over to check my pockets for treats?  Go ahead, Sweetheart!  Here's a few more for you while you search!"
  
"Oh look Honey!  He's nibbling on my side when I scratch his withers!  Isn't that cute?  It's like he thinks I'm a herd member too!"  


"Oh I could NEVER leave him tied up for a few minutes while I run to the bathroom, he'll start pawing and hollering because he misses me!  He used to stand still for hours, but now if I don't come back quick, he'll pull and break his halter because he gets bored!" 


"You want pull the reins right through my hands because running back to the barn on a trail means you get done faster?  OKAY!  Let's race NOBODY!  Isn't this fun?!"


"Oh, he told me he didn't want to work today when he scooted away from my saddle going on his back.  I'm just going to put him back outside to graze."


Eventually all of these cute little "Oh look Honey!"s add up to a rude, disrespectful horse who owns the person, not the other way around.  Then I get a phone call from a frustrated owner who says the horse in their pasture  "Isn't the same horse we bought."  You're right, it's not.  The horse YOU bought had manners, knew what was expected of it, and respected authority.  YOU ruined that horse by treating it like a puppy or a child instead of the 1,200-pound animal that it is.  I no longer use the phrase "Idiot-proof" in my ads....I'm just not good enough to make one truly idiot-proof, they've proven that to me.  It's a sad time for us as a society of horsemen & women when we have to leave our sale videos up for years after the horse is gone solely to prove to the public that the horse had manners when it left here and to keep our name protected from jackasses with computers.

Anyone can ruin a horse very quickly when they neglect basic safety protocols.  They're somewhat-intelligent animals (they ARE at the bottom of the food chain...), and they learn fairly-quickly, both good and bad.  It is not my job to follow you around when you get home and make sure you're doing everything correctly to keep from screwing that horse up and turning it into a great big holy terror.

Also, I am not Kmart.  I do not have a "If you break it, ruin it, or otherwise decide you don't want it anymore after owning it for months, I'll take it back for a full refund, no questions asked." policy.  I will absolutely help you, (and if I can't, I will find someone that can) but I will not fix your stupidity for free, and I will not help you unless you're willing to admit you were wrong and don't know what you're doing.  Do NOT call me whining about how you don't know what to do, you don't have any money for a trainer and you don't want the horse anymore.  It's called a commitment.  You made it when you bought that horse, and last I checked, a commitment meant you fixed things when they go wrong.  I know a lot of trainers that are fairly inexpensive.  If you're not willing, or are "too broke" to put out $40 for a one-hour session with a trainer, you have absolutely no business owning a horse.  A regular vet bill STARTS at $40 for the barn call alone.  It's not an ego trip for me to hear you admit you were wrong, it's only so I can remember that I'm dealing with TWO dumb animals during this process.  I can fix horses, but I shouldn't have to fix horse-buyers as well.

Fortunately for me, I'm done with this nonsense for awhile.  I'll still write blogs, because I'm sure I'll still encounter idiots that everyone else will want to laugh about, and maybe one day I'll be back into the swing of things & selling again.  Until then, I can't say I'm going to miss it!!

Let's Breed Stuff!

Why do people feel that just because they own a mare, they should force it to reproduce?  I’m sure many a horse-enthusiast has asked this question, and I’m sure there are countless answers like “Well look at her color!”  Yeah?  Can you ride a color?  If so, please teach me.  Never mind the fact that she’s a sickle-hocked, ewe-necked catastrophe with no known bloodlines or performance record (actually, she’s not even broke at all), SHE HAS SPOTS!  WE MUST IMPREGNATE HER! 

My favorite kind of pretend-breeder are those Craigslist idiots who promote their stallion that has no performance record, awful conformation, no registration papers, but good LORD is he gentle and wonderful (only because we let him bone anything he can stick his manjunk into as often as he wants, so he’s too tired to be a jerk)!  One of my favorite semi-local stallion ads reads as follows (and I’m quoting this directly from the owner’s page, solely to prove my point):

“Currently Standing at Stud. accepting reg and grade mares. soon to be double reg. pending APHA registration

Romeo is a Beautiful boy, he is the most willing partner you will find. temperment is a 2 out of 10 all day long, with mares in heats, or other stallions.

he is pastured with another stallion and geldings. with no problems EVER.

Message me if your interested.”

I don’t know WHY mare-owners aren’t clamoring to let this horse stick his wang in their mare!  His owner is obviously SUCH a responsible breeder, I mean, she’ll let him screw anything for a very nominal stud fee, registered or not, mare OR gelding!  There’s nothing I like more than a moron that makes grade junk foals for me to buy up six months later out of the kill pen because it came out a solid instead of the pinto they thought they’d get, or grew out of being the cute fuzzy baby they assumed would stay that way its entire life! 

After a little more research, I found a Craigslist ad from this SAME fine example of a horsewoman leasing out yet another unregistered stud:

“+2yr old. Gypsy Walker cross. Blue roan pinto stud colt. seems to be Gaited. For sale or Lease to approved homes only. Halter champion and learning to drive. not ready to ride yet. standing at stud. proven producer.

$75/lease monthly. and $1500 if bought.”

Winner.  Right there.  Let’s all take our mares to this broad.  Maybe our stud fees can buy her a few grammar lessons, because I’m sure she’s not going to use the money to GELD THE DAMN THINGS!

And then we have the pony breeders…not only are they not even remotely concerned with what their hormonal little dickhead of a stud might produce, they’re really just aiming to help him “prove himself a man”:

“Ariamis is 3 year old nice stallion

He needs to prove himself a man

Great confirmation easy to work with just a nice guy

We don't own a trailer,so the ladies need to come to us .

He is not registered

He is white and tan marked real pretty

Thanks for looking (Name removed to protect the stupid)

(419)XXX-XXXX”

This is the great Ariamis (I cut the head off of the kid in the picture so they can’t sue me, but the rest of the picture, including the lack of LEGS on the horse, is original):

God help us all….I cannot make this shit up.  People are REALLY this stupid, and they ALL own horses! 

In all of this, I do want to thank the responsible stallion owners out there (and I can think of about a dozen I know personally off the top of my head) who actually consider the offspring they might put their horse’s name on.  Thank you for not breeding to junk mares just to collect the stud fee.  Thank you for considering the life of that unborn foal in your decision to help create it.  Thank you for considering why that cross might not be in the best interest of everyone involved, and then turning away that particular mare so you DON’T produce yet another excess horse that will probably end up on its way to a slaughterhouse in a few years.  And thank you most of all for turning away dumbass mare owners who just want a baby to play with for 4 months.  Now could you please punch them in the back of the head on their way out the door? 

Non-Horse People

With the exception of my younger sister (who is a full-time college student and OBVIOUSLY more motivated to graduate than myself, so she doesn’t really even count), I am the only horse-person in my family.  This really isn’t a problem, per say, rather I prefer to take the opportunistic approach and think of myself as the smartest person in the room whenever the topic of conversation should involve ANYTHING horse-related.  BAM, I win.  The real problem arises when I have to do any socializing or try and hold any sort of a conversation with any of my relatives or non-horse-related acquaintances.  There's always that awkward silence when none one of us know really what to talk about because they know nothing about horses, and assume that's all my life consists of, and because I just don't care about their lives packed full of t-ball practice and PTA meetings.  And then they start with the stupid questions.  It doesn't matter if I saw these same people two months ago at a family gathering, its always the SAME stupid questions.  It drives me crazy, but because these people are family, I deal with it.  I suspect that's why the only time I drink is at family functions.

Horse people have the misfortune of having an attractive hobby that brings a general assortment of stupid questions from the common-folk.  Yes, most people probably handle it a little better than I do, but I blame that on my lack of patience and the abundance of stupid people that I come into contact with on a daily basis.  Stupid people are drawn to me like a fat kid to a cupcake, I don’t know why, but it’s a fact of life, and I’ve come to accept it.  I’ve also come to accept the fact that I can only be nice to someone if I feel they’re NOT stupid nor a waste of my time, otherwise I’m going to toy with them for my own amusement.  I’m sure that type of thought process can be diagnosed as some sort of narcissistic disorder, but I don’t care.  If I were anything different, I probably wouldn’t have created this blog, and I’d be forced to annoy all of you via text to bitch about the moronic questions I receive every day.

I’m sure the NICE horse people that I know would respond to these questions and statements of ignorance differently, perhaps with some tact and maybe a little more helpfulness, but again, in my book, nice is overrated.  Instead, I take the opportunity to craft creative responses to these questions in hopes that I either baffle the person asking them, or make sure they realize what a stupid question they just asked.

“So what do you do with all of your horses?  Do you breed them?”  Yes, the only thing you can do with a horse, let alone 10+ horses, is breed them.  And you see, I have this personal philosophy that if it has a uterus, it should be impregnated (unless of course its me we’re talking about).  So yes.  I breed every horse that you see in front of you.  That fat one over there with the obviously male genitalia hanging out?  He’s not obese, he’s pregnant too.

“Do they bite?”  Yes, if you stick your fingers in my pasture fence and wiggle them to try and get the damned horse to come to the fence so you can pet it, yes, they’re going to bite you.  Then they’ll pull you through the fence and rip you limb from limb Jurassic Park-style.  That 12-hand pony is the worst offender.  He ate the mailman last week.

“Ohmygosh!  That horse is lying down!  Is he dead?”  Yes, as a matter of fact, it is.  And when your children lay down at night, they actually die for 8-12 hours also!  Seriously people, didn’t any of you ever watch a National Geographic documentary when you were growing up?  Animals lay down to sleep too!

“Look Honey!  The little one is being chased by his mommy!”  No, dumbass, that pony is getting his ass kicked by the herd boss because he forgot where his place on the pecking order was.  Not every small horse is a baby; they make these things called ponies…

“Do you have to like, feed them and pick up their poop?”  Nah, hay got expensive so we started tying apples to the dog’s backs and sending them into the pasture after a tennis ball, then we bet on which one comes out alive.  It’s actually pretty entertaining.  And poop?  We don’t worry about poop.  If you ignore it long enough, it eventually goes away on its own.

“Can my kids ride one of your horses while we’re here?” Oh I don’t knooooowww; can I sleep with your husband?  No?  Why not?  A quick side note to all non-horse people: Asking someone if you can ride their horse without their offering first is comparable to asking if you can blow their husband or boyfriend.  You just don’t do it, period.  Buy your kids a three-dollar pony ride at the fair instead and save yourself the embarrassment. 

“Oh, you sell horses?  How much does a horse go for?”  First of all, and trust me on this one, I wouldn’t sell you a horse if you were the last person on the face of this earth, solely for the good of the horse, so does it REALLY matter how much a horse costs?  Secondly, how much do YOU make?  Same question.

“I rode a horse last year on vacation.”  I really have no idea why people say this, but they ALWAYS feel its necessary to tell me they’ve either never rode a horse before, or they tell me when the last time they rode one was, usually followed by some useless piece of information about said experience (the horse’s name, its color, its breed, something like that) like maybe I’ll know the exact horse they rode.  I never have any idea what I’m supposed to reply to this with….so I’m going to start with “Oh really?  I took a GIGANTIC shit this morning, it felt GREAT!”

“My (Insert various title like ‘friend’, ‘sister’, ‘co-worker’s third cousin twice removed’) in southeast Wyoming rides horses!  Do you know her?”  Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.  You see, horse-people have a secret underground society, which is only revealed to its members upon riding a horse for the 50^th time.  If you own a horse, you are sent a special phone book every year that has the names and phone numbers of everyone else in the world that has a horse, so you can get together for birthday parties and whatnot.  Sometimes, we all get together on Facebook and talk about Tennessee Walkers versus Spotted Saddle Horses and John Lyons versus Pat Parelli. 

Then we talk about all of the stupid questions you non-horse-folks ask us.

My boyfriend is not a horse person.  He's fantastic, but he's not a horse person, he's a big-truck-and-trailer guy.  He'd never been around a horse prior to meeting me, and the poor guy has been such a good sport about it all, I have to give him a lot of credit.  He's got two dually pick ups (and no, that's NOT why I started dating him), and he can turn a trailer full of horses around in the tiniest spot imaginable without batting an eye (THAT's why I started dating him).  He's good, like REAL good, he can even load and unload horses in the dark now and he's started using my emergency-release knot for everything except tying horses.  He's also learned the hard way that trying to catch an evasive OTTB in a pasture-footrace will result in the horse laughing at him while he's panting for breath in the corner.  We were sitting on the couch watching TV the other night and I was, as usual, biting my nails.  This has been a major point of contention between us.  He tells me to stop, I tell him 24 years of biting will not be undone in the time we've been together.  I tell him its like cribbing, and that he should just let me do my thing to relieve stress.  He says he's getting me a cribbing collar.  

He knows what a cribbing collar is.  Hell, he knows what CRIBBING is, and he's not a horse person.  He also doesn't ask stupid questions.  

I think I'm going to have to keep him.

"HORSE WANTED"

Saw this on a Facebook group I'm a part of today.  I really couldn't resist.  Call me a bitch, but I think mocking idiots like this is greatly amusing, and since I'm PMSing and slightly bitchy, I bet I'll feel better when I'm done.  


"i am looking for a kid safe beginner horse that can show western pleasure and speed classes at fun and 4h shows. I Have rode for many years and had a few baby's but my kids have never rode a horse by them selves before. if you have any thing or know of any thing please PM me back i am located in Mt Morris Michigan we have a big farm lots of turn outs and stalls we have 12 Harness race horses we spend every day many hours at the farm with our horses anyone would be welcome to come check out the horses new home as well as the condition and care of our other horses. We are a horse loving family looking to give the right horse or horses a happy home we are looking to spend under 1000.00 Must be sound and healthy"


Now I'm not going to include a name here, even though because it was posted on Facebook, her name was included just above the posting itself (way to tell publicly announce to everyone that can read your name that you're an idiot), but REALLY?!  Isn't the purpose of a "horse wanted" ad like this to essentially sell yourself to someone who owns that particular horse and is contemplating contacting you to possibly sell to you?  Wouldn't taking thirty seconds of your life to FUCKING PUNCTUATE your ad seem worthwhile?  Listen folks, grammar is your FRIEND.  I'm sure I sound like a 5th grade English teacher here, and I realize this woman is from Mt. Morris (which in itself explains quite a bit), but for the love of GOD, this is awful.  Personally, if I HAD the horse this particular woman was seeking (as I often do), I wouldn't be in ANY hurry to contact her, cash or not.  The grammar, lack of punctuation, and the fact that she says she has 12 race horses (and none that are retired from the track that they could have made into the horse they're looking for?) just rubs me the wrong way.  Why not ask around the track instead of resorting to Facebook?  Save a Standardbred's life perhaps and send it out to a trainer for $1000 worth of re-training?  


I wonder if this ad has worked out for her....I think I'm going to post my own pain-in-the-ass ad if so, just to see what kind of responses I can get.  I think it'll read something like this....


"I am looking for the perfect horse.  It must be 14.3-15.0 hands tall (and not a hair over), between the ages of 6 years and 4 months and 8 years and three months.  It also must walk, jog, lope (and be competitive at the world's level), carry a perfect headset at all times, be able to do college algebra, clean its own stall, and defecate diamonds and other precious gems.  Furthermore, it must not have any issues whatsoever, behavioral or otherwise, that could ever be viewed as undesirable by any person, be they knowledgable or not about horses.  I have a horse-loving family; they love looking at horses, but have never wanted to get dirty enough to actually TOUCH a horse, so this horse needs to be content living in a stall 23 hours a day and turned out by a groom for an hour a day so my family can look at it from a distance and admire it.  Not looking to spend more than $500, because you, as the seller, should be honored that I will consider taking your horse off of your hands and not concerned with monetary reimbursement."


Now granted, this would-be ad isn't quite as rough as the ad I found on Facebook, but I feel like this could work....who knows?  Maybe I'll make a new friend.  Let's just hope they're not from Mt. Morris.....

Horse Shows

I hate horse shows.  I absolutely loathe them with a depth that is surpassed only by the furthermost edges of hell. 

It’s not that they require insanely early mornings and I don’t turn into a civilized human being until 8:30am, it’s not that, really.  I don’t mind that it seems like all outdoor shows are either a monsoon-rain swampfest of mud, or a sun-scorched dustbowl that would thrill any chinchilla.  Really I quite enjoy the feeling of my skin burning to a crisp and the feeling of arena sand in every bodily orifice I have (NONE of which are supposed to contain sand, I’m sure).  It’s not that I despise the inconsistencies and randomness of the judging system, nothing makes me happier than spending half the day trying to figure out if the judge wants to see horses that are moving out, or dragging their asses around the rail, or if they like Appys, or Quarters, or whether they want their headsets high, level, or down to their knees.  I really quite enjoy spending a hundred dollars or more to be miserable for the day just for one man/woman’s opinion of my horse.

Unfortunately, in this business, horse shows are pretty much an inevitable part of life, and despite my best efforts to stay away from them, I still find myself loading up to haul to one at least once a month.  I try and go to the 4H and little local shows because my horses are mostly AUCTION HORSES.  They usually don’t have the talent to compete at the big shows, and I don’t expect them to.  I try and find them family homes that will love them for who they are, quirks and all, not how well they can jog and lope.  I don’t have the desire or need to show at the big shows, nor do I want to spend $20/class just for video footage.  When we go to these little shows, I don’t show, oh HELL no, I usually find a few girls to ride my horses and ponies for me, as long as I pay their entry fees.  Without going to these soul-sucking money-pits, I lose a valuable marketing tool for sale stock, because let’s be honest here; when you’re filming a class for a sale video, buyers don’t give a damn how the pony placed, they just want to see it all spiffied up and trotting its passenger around the pen without killing anyone.

Without a doubt, the worst part of any horse show is the inevitable “Horse Show Mom From Hell”.  Don’t get me wrong here, not ALL horse show moms are hellacious she-wenches, I’ve seen some fantastic parenting at horse shows.  The days are long, the temper tantrums are abundant, and I give major props to any parent who can shut down a bitching teenager in under a minute while holding an ADHD horse and zipping someone else’s kid into their chaps.  Then you have the super-moms (usually 4H club leaders) who can juggle not one, but MULTIPLE kids and horses, make sure everyone gets to the ring on time and knows their patterns, and make sure everyone stays fed and hydrated while on the phone scheduling the next PTA meeting and farrier appointment.  To them, I say Bravo! (and thank you for making me feel like a failure at life).  Hell, even to the moms and dads that aren’t exactly horse-savvy, but are there to support their kid, win or lose, and have raised a polite, courteous child who demonstrates good sportsmanship and a true appreciation for their equine partner, thank you.  Your efforts make the rest of us a little more aware of what showing is SUPPOSED to be all about.

But then there are those moms.  THOSE MOMS are the moms who roll in with their brand new trucks and 50’ trailers and Congress-level horses in the back to a goddamn 4H show.  Those moms are the ones who dropped a cool $1500 on their 12 year old’s new show outfit for the year because nothing brings them more gratification than stomping on the 4H kids who MADE their show outfits.  Really?  That brings you happiness?  Crushing a 12 year old's self-esteem and spending $10k on a horse so your kid can beat a 4H-er?  Those moms are the ones that stand off to the side of the warm-up arena with their arms folded and their noses in the air talking about how much so-and-so paid for THEIR horse and how its OBVIOUSLY not as good as Little Suzy’s new world’s horse that she’s loping around on the wrong lead on because Little Suzy has “natural talent” and doesn’t need a trainer.  Word to the wise here, folks, ITS 4-fucking-H.  No one gives a shit about your little angel of a daughter and her $10k horse when you announce a little too loudly that she qualified for Quarter Horse Worlds last weekend while she rides her horsemanship pattern.  You’re at 4H, and for what?  To boost Little Suzy’s ego and stomp on the kids that DESERVE to be there?  We know you come in like your shit doesn’t stink and look down on all of us with our backyard show ponies, but we paid a whole lot less for our horses, our clothes, and our trainers, and we’re pretty content with it, so fuck off and go home.  I remember back when I first started showing 4H, my mom went to the Salvation Army and got a kid’s suitjacket and put a butt-flap and a 4^th button on it, and it worked JUST fine for the hunt seat.  Hell, we even got a little crazy and got bright, obnoxious colored jackets to decorate for Showmanship.  It worked.  I had a fat, old, ugly P.O.A. with a bad attitude and a halfway decent work ethic, and goddamnit, I won ribbons with her.  Nowadays, the kids don’t even get LOOKED at by a judge unless their parents dropped big bucks on their horse and clothes because people like you showed up.  Your money and your lack of manners have no place at a 4H show, go back to your breed circuit shit and leave us alone. 

I’ve noticed that these types of moms are usually producers of those types of kids as well.  The kids who have no problem ripping the faces off of their show horses, digging them a new asshole with spurs that they have NO business wearing, and who hop off of their horse after a class, to throw the reins to those moms and plant their asses in a lawn chair to pout about the fact that Mr. Judge didn’t give them first and now they won’t get high point for the day.  Never once have I seen one of those kids pat their horse in thanks or appreciation, but GOD are they quick to bitch about how “stupid” or “lazy” the horse is and demand that Mommy and Daddy get them a different one for next year.  You can bet your ass that when one of my girls comes out of the ring, they’d damn well better be thanking their partner and making sure that horse has water and hay before they even THINK about hitting the cooler themselves. 

I’m pretty sure its considered impolite to make someone else’s child cry at a horse show, and quite frankly, I’m too bitchy at those things to want to “tactfully” confront those moms and point out that they really have no business whatsoever coming in and stomping on the kids who have actually WORKED to show there, but I don’t know what to do anymore.  I’m not sure where we, as a horse-enthusiast society, got lost along the way, but I sincerely think it’s high time we remember what 4H and the other backyard shows are all about and figure out a way to close them off to the exhibitors that clearly don’t belong there.  If anyone has any ideas, let me know. 

If this post offended you, you’re probably one of those moms.  Take the hint. 

Current Negative Coggins Tests

I just got off the phone with a woman in Metamora who was looking for a horse for her husband; I don’t even remember her name actually.  I feel bad about this fact, not only because I can't give proper credit where credit is obviously due, but because she enlightened me on a very important topic that I thought I knew pretty much everything about until my discussion with her.  My eyes have been opened, oh Nameless-Horse-Shopper, and I thank you for your kindness and selfless assistance in my ongoing quest to become a better horseperson.  I will now share my newfound knowledge with my readers, in hopes that they too will become better informed about Coggins tests as I have been.

Coggins tests are the life-and-death, be-all-end-all existence around which all horse people should base their lives.  A Coggins test will determine whether or not the sun rises the next morning, and is a biblical sign of the coming Apocalypse.  Presidential elections are not determined by the people’s votes, (that’s merely a cover-up the government wants you to believe); they are determined by a Coggins test.  Earthquakes, tsunamis, all other natural disasters, wars, famine and all violent crimes are committed because they didn’t have current negative Coggins tests.  If a horse doesn’t have one, you should run screaming from the initial phone call because your talking to a seller whose horse will instantly infect yours just by talking to the owner.  Never mind that that particular horse had one drawn LAST year, if the test is considered “expired”, your horse will contract the dreaded Equine Infectious Anemia from your phone conversation and DIE, plain and simple.  A Current Negative Coggins test is so important in the grand scheme of things that it deserves to become a proper noun all its own: Current Negative Coggins Test.  I wonder if it has its own copyright…

A Coggins test tests for infection of the dreaded Equine Infectious Anemia (Yes, I checked an old test just to make sure I spelled it right).  Developed in the 1970s, by Dr. Leroy Coggins, this test is equivalent in importance only to the discovery of gravity.  It is performed yearly by only the holiest of those among us, those whom we call Veterinarians (their name is capitalized….like Cher and Madonna), at the rate of $20-40 dollars, depending on how risky the situation and how much of an asshole your horse is during the blood draw.  No one else but the Veterinarian can draw nor handle the drawn blood for such a test, as it will instantaneously become infected and every horse on your property will DIE.  Some Veterinarians are holier than others; they and they alone can draw a Coggins test on a horse that has never had one drawn.  They have super powers and immunities that will protect them from this dreaded disease. 

You absolutely, positively CANNOT go look at a horse for sale without it having a Current Negative Coggins Test.  This is truly the kiss of death.  By being in the presence of this obviously-infected being, you are guaranteeing that you will carry home blood-sucking insects that have already bitten the infected horse, and are sure to bite any horses you have at home, thereby causing them to die.  People NEVER pull Coggins tests when they purchase a horse, during the standard pre-purchase veterinary exam.  This is extremely risky because those Vets are not as pure as other Vets and will surely transmit this disease to other horses they see later in that day, month and year.   

I have realized that I was sorely mistaken all these years, and I thank the Powers That Be that my horses have not dropped dead from not having Current Negative Coggins tests drawn every 364 days.  I really need to go to church, or maybe do some sort of animal sacrifice or something.