Let's Breed Stuff!

Why do people feel that just because they own a mare, they should force it to reproduce?  I’m sure many a horse-enthusiast has asked this question, and I’m sure there are countless answers like “Well look at her color!”  Yeah?  Can you ride a color?  If so, please teach me.  Never mind the fact that she’s a sickle-hocked, ewe-necked catastrophe with no known bloodlines or performance record (actually, she’s not even broke at all), SHE HAS SPOTS!  WE MUST IMPREGNATE HER! 

My favorite kind of pretend-breeder are those Craigslist idiots who promote their stallion that has no performance record, awful conformation, no registration papers, but good LORD is he gentle and wonderful (only because we let him bone anything he can stick his manjunk into as often as he wants, so he’s too tired to be a jerk)!  One of my favorite semi-local stallion ads reads as follows (and I’m quoting this directly from the owner’s page, solely to prove my point):

“Currently Standing at Stud. accepting reg and grade mares. soon to be double reg. pending APHA registration

Romeo is a Beautiful boy, he is the most willing partner you will find. temperment is a 2 out of 10 all day long, with mares in heats, or other stallions.

he is pastured with another stallion and geldings. with no problems EVER.

Message me if your interested.”

I don’t know WHY mare-owners aren’t clamoring to let this horse stick his wang in their mare!  His owner is obviously SUCH a responsible breeder, I mean, she’ll let him screw anything for a very nominal stud fee, registered or not, mare OR gelding!  There’s nothing I like more than a moron that makes grade junk foals for me to buy up six months later out of the kill pen because it came out a solid instead of the pinto they thought they’d get, or grew out of being the cute fuzzy baby they assumed would stay that way its entire life! 

After a little more research, I found a Craigslist ad from this SAME fine example of a horsewoman leasing out yet another unregistered stud:

“+2yr old. Gypsy Walker cross. Blue roan pinto stud colt. seems to be Gaited. For sale or Lease to approved homes only. Halter champion and learning to drive. not ready to ride yet. standing at stud. proven producer.

$75/lease monthly. and $1500 if bought.”

Winner.  Right there.  Let’s all take our mares to this broad.  Maybe our stud fees can buy her a few grammar lessons, because I’m sure she’s not going to use the money to GELD THE DAMN THINGS!

And then we have the pony breeders…not only are they not even remotely concerned with what their hormonal little dickhead of a stud might produce, they’re really just aiming to help him “prove himself a man”:

“Ariamis is 3 year old nice stallion

He needs to prove himself a man

Great confirmation easy to work with just a nice guy

We don't own a trailer,so the ladies need to come to us .

He is not registered

He is white and tan marked real pretty

Thanks for looking (Name removed to protect the stupid)

(419)XXX-XXXX”

This is the great Ariamis (I cut the head off of the kid in the picture so they can’t sue me, but the rest of the picture, including the lack of LEGS on the horse, is original):

God help us all….I cannot make this shit up.  People are REALLY this stupid, and they ALL own horses! 

In all of this, I do want to thank the responsible stallion owners out there (and I can think of about a dozen I know personally off the top of my head) who actually consider the offspring they might put their horse’s name on.  Thank you for not breeding to junk mares just to collect the stud fee.  Thank you for considering the life of that unborn foal in your decision to help create it.  Thank you for considering why that cross might not be in the best interest of everyone involved, and then turning away that particular mare so you DON’T produce yet another excess horse that will probably end up on its way to a slaughterhouse in a few years.  And thank you most of all for turning away dumbass mare owners who just want a baby to play with for 4 months.  Now could you please punch them in the back of the head on their way out the door? 

Non-Horse People

With the exception of my younger sister (who is a full-time college student and OBVIOUSLY more motivated to graduate than myself, so she doesn’t really even count), I am the only horse-person in my family.  This really isn’t a problem, per say, rather I prefer to take the opportunistic approach and think of myself as the smartest person in the room whenever the topic of conversation should involve ANYTHING horse-related.  BAM, I win.  The real problem arises when I have to do any socializing or try and hold any sort of a conversation with any of my relatives or non-horse-related acquaintances.  There's always that awkward silence when none one of us know really what to talk about because they know nothing about horses, and assume that's all my life consists of, and because I just don't care about their lives packed full of t-ball practice and PTA meetings.  And then they start with the stupid questions.  It doesn't matter if I saw these same people two months ago at a family gathering, its always the SAME stupid questions.  It drives me crazy, but because these people are family, I deal with it.  I suspect that's why the only time I drink is at family functions.

Horse people have the misfortune of having an attractive hobby that brings a general assortment of stupid questions from the common-folk.  Yes, most people probably handle it a little better than I do, but I blame that on my lack of patience and the abundance of stupid people that I come into contact with on a daily basis.  Stupid people are drawn to me like a fat kid to a cupcake, I don’t know why, but it’s a fact of life, and I’ve come to accept it.  I’ve also come to accept the fact that I can only be nice to someone if I feel they’re NOT stupid nor a waste of my time, otherwise I’m going to toy with them for my own amusement.  I’m sure that type of thought process can be diagnosed as some sort of narcissistic disorder, but I don’t care.  If I were anything different, I probably wouldn’t have created this blog, and I’d be forced to annoy all of you via text to bitch about the moronic questions I receive every day.

I’m sure the NICE horse people that I know would respond to these questions and statements of ignorance differently, perhaps with some tact and maybe a little more helpfulness, but again, in my book, nice is overrated.  Instead, I take the opportunity to craft creative responses to these questions in hopes that I either baffle the person asking them, or make sure they realize what a stupid question they just asked.

“So what do you do with all of your horses?  Do you breed them?”  Yes, the only thing you can do with a horse, let alone 10+ horses, is breed them.  And you see, I have this personal philosophy that if it has a uterus, it should be impregnated (unless of course its me we’re talking about).  So yes.  I breed every horse that you see in front of you.  That fat one over there with the obviously male genitalia hanging out?  He’s not obese, he’s pregnant too.

“Do they bite?”  Yes, if you stick your fingers in my pasture fence and wiggle them to try and get the damned horse to come to the fence so you can pet it, yes, they’re going to bite you.  Then they’ll pull you through the fence and rip you limb from limb Jurassic Park-style.  That 12-hand pony is the worst offender.  He ate the mailman last week.

“Ohmygosh!  That horse is lying down!  Is he dead?”  Yes, as a matter of fact, it is.  And when your children lay down at night, they actually die for 8-12 hours also!  Seriously people, didn’t any of you ever watch a National Geographic documentary when you were growing up?  Animals lay down to sleep too!

“Look Honey!  The little one is being chased by his mommy!”  No, dumbass, that pony is getting his ass kicked by the herd boss because he forgot where his place on the pecking order was.  Not every small horse is a baby; they make these things called ponies…

“Do you have to like, feed them and pick up their poop?”  Nah, hay got expensive so we started tying apples to the dog’s backs and sending them into the pasture after a tennis ball, then we bet on which one comes out alive.  It’s actually pretty entertaining.  And poop?  We don’t worry about poop.  If you ignore it long enough, it eventually goes away on its own.

“Can my kids ride one of your horses while we’re here?” Oh I don’t knooooowww; can I sleep with your husband?  No?  Why not?  A quick side note to all non-horse people: Asking someone if you can ride their horse without their offering first is comparable to asking if you can blow their husband or boyfriend.  You just don’t do it, period.  Buy your kids a three-dollar pony ride at the fair instead and save yourself the embarrassment. 

“Oh, you sell horses?  How much does a horse go for?”  First of all, and trust me on this one, I wouldn’t sell you a horse if you were the last person on the face of this earth, solely for the good of the horse, so does it REALLY matter how much a horse costs?  Secondly, how much do YOU make?  Same question.

“I rode a horse last year on vacation.”  I really have no idea why people say this, but they ALWAYS feel its necessary to tell me they’ve either never rode a horse before, or they tell me when the last time they rode one was, usually followed by some useless piece of information about said experience (the horse’s name, its color, its breed, something like that) like maybe I’ll know the exact horse they rode.  I never have any idea what I’m supposed to reply to this with….so I’m going to start with “Oh really?  I took a GIGANTIC shit this morning, it felt GREAT!”

“My (Insert various title like ‘friend’, ‘sister’, ‘co-worker’s third cousin twice removed’) in southeast Wyoming rides horses!  Do you know her?”  Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.  You see, horse-people have a secret underground society, which is only revealed to its members upon riding a horse for the 50^th time.  If you own a horse, you are sent a special phone book every year that has the names and phone numbers of everyone else in the world that has a horse, so you can get together for birthday parties and whatnot.  Sometimes, we all get together on Facebook and talk about Tennessee Walkers versus Spotted Saddle Horses and John Lyons versus Pat Parelli. 

Then we talk about all of the stupid questions you non-horse-folks ask us.

My boyfriend is not a horse person.  He's fantastic, but he's not a horse person, he's a big-truck-and-trailer guy.  He'd never been around a horse prior to meeting me, and the poor guy has been such a good sport about it all, I have to give him a lot of credit.  He's got two dually pick ups (and no, that's NOT why I started dating him), and he can turn a trailer full of horses around in the tiniest spot imaginable without batting an eye (THAT's why I started dating him).  He's good, like REAL good, he can even load and unload horses in the dark now and he's started using my emergency-release knot for everything except tying horses.  He's also learned the hard way that trying to catch an evasive OTTB in a pasture-footrace will result in the horse laughing at him while he's panting for breath in the corner.  We were sitting on the couch watching TV the other night and I was, as usual, biting my nails.  This has been a major point of contention between us.  He tells me to stop, I tell him 24 years of biting will not be undone in the time we've been together.  I tell him its like cribbing, and that he should just let me do my thing to relieve stress.  He says he's getting me a cribbing collar.  

He knows what a cribbing collar is.  Hell, he knows what CRIBBING is, and he's not a horse person.  He also doesn't ask stupid questions.  

I think I'm going to have to keep him.

"HORSE WANTED"

Saw this on a Facebook group I'm a part of today.  I really couldn't resist.  Call me a bitch, but I think mocking idiots like this is greatly amusing, and since I'm PMSing and slightly bitchy, I bet I'll feel better when I'm done.  


"i am looking for a kid safe beginner horse that can show western pleasure and speed classes at fun and 4h shows. I Have rode for many years and had a few baby's but my kids have never rode a horse by them selves before. if you have any thing or know of any thing please PM me back i am located in Mt Morris Michigan we have a big farm lots of turn outs and stalls we have 12 Harness race horses we spend every day many hours at the farm with our horses anyone would be welcome to come check out the horses new home as well as the condition and care of our other horses. We are a horse loving family looking to give the right horse or horses a happy home we are looking to spend under 1000.00 Must be sound and healthy"


Now I'm not going to include a name here, even though because it was posted on Facebook, her name was included just above the posting itself (way to tell publicly announce to everyone that can read your name that you're an idiot), but REALLY?!  Isn't the purpose of a "horse wanted" ad like this to essentially sell yourself to someone who owns that particular horse and is contemplating contacting you to possibly sell to you?  Wouldn't taking thirty seconds of your life to FUCKING PUNCTUATE your ad seem worthwhile?  Listen folks, grammar is your FRIEND.  I'm sure I sound like a 5th grade English teacher here, and I realize this woman is from Mt. Morris (which in itself explains quite a bit), but for the love of GOD, this is awful.  Personally, if I HAD the horse this particular woman was seeking (as I often do), I wouldn't be in ANY hurry to contact her, cash or not.  The grammar, lack of punctuation, and the fact that she says she has 12 race horses (and none that are retired from the track that they could have made into the horse they're looking for?) just rubs me the wrong way.  Why not ask around the track instead of resorting to Facebook?  Save a Standardbred's life perhaps and send it out to a trainer for $1000 worth of re-training?  


I wonder if this ad has worked out for her....I think I'm going to post my own pain-in-the-ass ad if so, just to see what kind of responses I can get.  I think it'll read something like this....


"I am looking for the perfect horse.  It must be 14.3-15.0 hands tall (and not a hair over), between the ages of 6 years and 4 months and 8 years and three months.  It also must walk, jog, lope (and be competitive at the world's level), carry a perfect headset at all times, be able to do college algebra, clean its own stall, and defecate diamonds and other precious gems.  Furthermore, it must not have any issues whatsoever, behavioral or otherwise, that could ever be viewed as undesirable by any person, be they knowledgable or not about horses.  I have a horse-loving family; they love looking at horses, but have never wanted to get dirty enough to actually TOUCH a horse, so this horse needs to be content living in a stall 23 hours a day and turned out by a groom for an hour a day so my family can look at it from a distance and admire it.  Not looking to spend more than $500, because you, as the seller, should be honored that I will consider taking your horse off of your hands and not concerned with monetary reimbursement."


Now granted, this would-be ad isn't quite as rough as the ad I found on Facebook, but I feel like this could work....who knows?  Maybe I'll make a new friend.  Let's just hope they're not from Mt. Morris.....

Horse Shows

I hate horse shows.  I absolutely loathe them with a depth that is surpassed only by the furthermost edges of hell. 

It’s not that they require insanely early mornings and I don’t turn into a civilized human being until 8:30am, it’s not that, really.  I don’t mind that it seems like all outdoor shows are either a monsoon-rain swampfest of mud, or a sun-scorched dustbowl that would thrill any chinchilla.  Really I quite enjoy the feeling of my skin burning to a crisp and the feeling of arena sand in every bodily orifice I have (NONE of which are supposed to contain sand, I’m sure).  It’s not that I despise the inconsistencies and randomness of the judging system, nothing makes me happier than spending half the day trying to figure out if the judge wants to see horses that are moving out, or dragging their asses around the rail, or if they like Appys, or Quarters, or whether they want their headsets high, level, or down to their knees.  I really quite enjoy spending a hundred dollars or more to be miserable for the day just for one man/woman’s opinion of my horse.

Unfortunately, in this business, horse shows are pretty much an inevitable part of life, and despite my best efforts to stay away from them, I still find myself loading up to haul to one at least once a month.  I try and go to the 4H and little local shows because my horses are mostly AUCTION HORSES.  They usually don’t have the talent to compete at the big shows, and I don’t expect them to.  I try and find them family homes that will love them for who they are, quirks and all, not how well they can jog and lope.  I don’t have the desire or need to show at the big shows, nor do I want to spend $20/class just for video footage.  When we go to these little shows, I don’t show, oh HELL no, I usually find a few girls to ride my horses and ponies for me, as long as I pay their entry fees.  Without going to these soul-sucking money-pits, I lose a valuable marketing tool for sale stock, because let’s be honest here; when you’re filming a class for a sale video, buyers don’t give a damn how the pony placed, they just want to see it all spiffied up and trotting its passenger around the pen without killing anyone.

Without a doubt, the worst part of any horse show is the inevitable “Horse Show Mom From Hell”.  Don’t get me wrong here, not ALL horse show moms are hellacious she-wenches, I’ve seen some fantastic parenting at horse shows.  The days are long, the temper tantrums are abundant, and I give major props to any parent who can shut down a bitching teenager in under a minute while holding an ADHD horse and zipping someone else’s kid into their chaps.  Then you have the super-moms (usually 4H club leaders) who can juggle not one, but MULTIPLE kids and horses, make sure everyone gets to the ring on time and knows their patterns, and make sure everyone stays fed and hydrated while on the phone scheduling the next PTA meeting and farrier appointment.  To them, I say Bravo! (and thank you for making me feel like a failure at life).  Hell, even to the moms and dads that aren’t exactly horse-savvy, but are there to support their kid, win or lose, and have raised a polite, courteous child who demonstrates good sportsmanship and a true appreciation for their equine partner, thank you.  Your efforts make the rest of us a little more aware of what showing is SUPPOSED to be all about.

But then there are those moms.  THOSE MOMS are the moms who roll in with their brand new trucks and 50’ trailers and Congress-level horses in the back to a goddamn 4H show.  Those moms are the ones who dropped a cool $1500 on their 12 year old’s new show outfit for the year because nothing brings them more gratification than stomping on the 4H kids who MADE their show outfits.  Really?  That brings you happiness?  Crushing a 12 year old's self-esteem and spending $10k on a horse so your kid can beat a 4H-er?  Those moms are the ones that stand off to the side of the warm-up arena with their arms folded and their noses in the air talking about how much so-and-so paid for THEIR horse and how its OBVIOUSLY not as good as Little Suzy’s new world’s horse that she’s loping around on the wrong lead on because Little Suzy has “natural talent” and doesn’t need a trainer.  Word to the wise here, folks, ITS 4-fucking-H.  No one gives a shit about your little angel of a daughter and her $10k horse when you announce a little too loudly that she qualified for Quarter Horse Worlds last weekend while she rides her horsemanship pattern.  You’re at 4H, and for what?  To boost Little Suzy’s ego and stomp on the kids that DESERVE to be there?  We know you come in like your shit doesn’t stink and look down on all of us with our backyard show ponies, but we paid a whole lot less for our horses, our clothes, and our trainers, and we’re pretty content with it, so fuck off and go home.  I remember back when I first started showing 4H, my mom went to the Salvation Army and got a kid’s suitjacket and put a butt-flap and a 4^th button on it, and it worked JUST fine for the hunt seat.  Hell, we even got a little crazy and got bright, obnoxious colored jackets to decorate for Showmanship.  It worked.  I had a fat, old, ugly P.O.A. with a bad attitude and a halfway decent work ethic, and goddamnit, I won ribbons with her.  Nowadays, the kids don’t even get LOOKED at by a judge unless their parents dropped big bucks on their horse and clothes because people like you showed up.  Your money and your lack of manners have no place at a 4H show, go back to your breed circuit shit and leave us alone. 

I’ve noticed that these types of moms are usually producers of those types of kids as well.  The kids who have no problem ripping the faces off of their show horses, digging them a new asshole with spurs that they have NO business wearing, and who hop off of their horse after a class, to throw the reins to those moms and plant their asses in a lawn chair to pout about the fact that Mr. Judge didn’t give them first and now they won’t get high point for the day.  Never once have I seen one of those kids pat their horse in thanks or appreciation, but GOD are they quick to bitch about how “stupid” or “lazy” the horse is and demand that Mommy and Daddy get them a different one for next year.  You can bet your ass that when one of my girls comes out of the ring, they’d damn well better be thanking their partner and making sure that horse has water and hay before they even THINK about hitting the cooler themselves. 

I’m pretty sure its considered impolite to make someone else’s child cry at a horse show, and quite frankly, I’m too bitchy at those things to want to “tactfully” confront those moms and point out that they really have no business whatsoever coming in and stomping on the kids who have actually WORKED to show there, but I don’t know what to do anymore.  I’m not sure where we, as a horse-enthusiast society, got lost along the way, but I sincerely think it’s high time we remember what 4H and the other backyard shows are all about and figure out a way to close them off to the exhibitors that clearly don’t belong there.  If anyone has any ideas, let me know. 

If this post offended you, you’re probably one of those moms.  Take the hint. 

Current Negative Coggins Tests

I just got off the phone with a woman in Metamora who was looking for a horse for her husband; I don’t even remember her name actually.  I feel bad about this fact, not only because I can't give proper credit where credit is obviously due, but because she enlightened me on a very important topic that I thought I knew pretty much everything about until my discussion with her.  My eyes have been opened, oh Nameless-Horse-Shopper, and I thank you for your kindness and selfless assistance in my ongoing quest to become a better horseperson.  I will now share my newfound knowledge with my readers, in hopes that they too will become better informed about Coggins tests as I have been.

Coggins tests are the life-and-death, be-all-end-all existence around which all horse people should base their lives.  A Coggins test will determine whether or not the sun rises the next morning, and is a biblical sign of the coming Apocalypse.  Presidential elections are not determined by the people’s votes, (that’s merely a cover-up the government wants you to believe); they are determined by a Coggins test.  Earthquakes, tsunamis, all other natural disasters, wars, famine and all violent crimes are committed because they didn’t have current negative Coggins tests.  If a horse doesn’t have one, you should run screaming from the initial phone call because your talking to a seller whose horse will instantly infect yours just by talking to the owner.  Never mind that that particular horse had one drawn LAST year, if the test is considered “expired”, your horse will contract the dreaded Equine Infectious Anemia from your phone conversation and DIE, plain and simple.  A Current Negative Coggins test is so important in the grand scheme of things that it deserves to become a proper noun all its own: Current Negative Coggins Test.  I wonder if it has its own copyright…

A Coggins test tests for infection of the dreaded Equine Infectious Anemia (Yes, I checked an old test just to make sure I spelled it right).  Developed in the 1970s, by Dr. Leroy Coggins, this test is equivalent in importance only to the discovery of gravity.  It is performed yearly by only the holiest of those among us, those whom we call Veterinarians (their name is capitalized….like Cher and Madonna), at the rate of $20-40 dollars, depending on how risky the situation and how much of an asshole your horse is during the blood draw.  No one else but the Veterinarian can draw nor handle the drawn blood for such a test, as it will instantaneously become infected and every horse on your property will DIE.  Some Veterinarians are holier than others; they and they alone can draw a Coggins test on a horse that has never had one drawn.  They have super powers and immunities that will protect them from this dreaded disease. 

You absolutely, positively CANNOT go look at a horse for sale without it having a Current Negative Coggins Test.  This is truly the kiss of death.  By being in the presence of this obviously-infected being, you are guaranteeing that you will carry home blood-sucking insects that have already bitten the infected horse, and are sure to bite any horses you have at home, thereby causing them to die.  People NEVER pull Coggins tests when they purchase a horse, during the standard pre-purchase veterinary exam.  This is extremely risky because those Vets are not as pure as other Vets and will surely transmit this disease to other horses they see later in that day, month and year.   

I have realized that I was sorely mistaken all these years, and I thank the Powers That Be that my horses have not dropped dead from not having Current Negative Coggins tests drawn every 364 days.  I really need to go to church, or maybe do some sort of animal sacrifice or something.  

Babysitters

Babysitter horses are legends in their own right.  Most of us have had at least one in our lives; that old, semi-retired veteran horse that allowed us to be complete jackasses with virtually no regard for our own safety, and still kept us in one piece.   Whether they were the 20-something year old mares that still ambled around a barrel pattern and let us think we were Martha Josey, or the ancient Arab geldings that steadily carried our asses around a show pen, listening to the announcer instead of our unspecific, muddled aids, they were gems.  We didn’t know it at the time, but we were sitting on the equine-equivalent of a goldmine.  Looking back now, you wonder “How the HELL did I not kill myself with the stupid shit I did on that thing?!”.  Really, at the end of it all, we silently thank those now long-gone horses for keeping us alive and encouraging our love for all things equine.

As a fairly-frequent seller of these types of horses, I find myself presented with a particular kind of parent more often than I’d like to be.   I guess it comes with the territory, and as annoying as it is, I have to deal with it.  This type of parent, although not quite as lethal as the “I want a young horse so my kid can grow with it”-parent, is still completely unqualified to own anything more than a gerbil and overall frustrating as hell to me.  This breed of parent is the type you are thoroughly disappointed in within five minutes of their arrival and they have an innate ability to make you wish you’d stayed in bed and hit the Fuck You button on your phone when they called.  They are usually quite eloquent, and some even know to ask all the right questions in the phone conversation.  They’re sneaky, its tough as hell anymore to vet out the genuine customers from the real idiots, and I wish I could say I had a fail-proof system for picking them out, but I learned yesterday that my system is flawed.  This type of parent can come in many shapes and forms, from any background or social class, they have not the slightest bit of a clue, are severely deficient in common sense, yet felt that reproduction of their obviously-stellar genes would be okay.  You pity their kids, and genuinely worry for their safety.  Unfortunately, these parents seem to think that the best way to keep the kids amused and out of their hair, is to get them into horses….for a day or two.

Now I didn’t realize this until recently, and I suppose that’s my own fault; Horses, horse farms, and the people that run them, are actually developed to be really neat, inexpensive day-care centers.  You’re SUPPOSED to be charming, inviting, and entertaining as hell to every person that sets foot on the property (I’m still trying to perfect that part).  You’re supposed to be okay when a Suburban full of 8 year olds shows up because Mommy is shopping for a horse “for the kids”.  As a barn owner, you’re supposed to be totally fine with seventeen obnoxious brats with no manners screaming and running all over, chasing your dogs, running through your flower beds (what’s left of them anyway, because, this IS a horse farm, after all), finding and catching Garter snakes and laying them on your Labradoodle because “It wants to ride on the puppy!”, and you’re absolutely not supposed to say a word about all of this, because you MIGHT offend this mother who is apparently completely oblivious to everything except the horsey in front of her….and every text message or Facebook update she gets on her $800 iPhone. 

Now, to everyone out there trying to sell a “Kid Safe” horse: YOU WILL GET BUYERS LIKE THIS.  They will show up (usually late, because they just HAD to stop at McDonalds), they will take up four hours of your life that you’ll NEVER get back, and they WILL piss you off.  Please understand that you are not there to sell them a horse.  Your sole existence in that dingbat mother’s mind is to entertain her kids for a few hours so she doesn’t have to.  You will have to groom and tack up your phenomenal “babysitter” horse, who will tolerate ALL of these stupid kids and dogs screaming and barking and playing tag in and around its legs, then you will have to ride this horse so Mom can watch and decide if its “safe enough” for her precious little darlings.  Mom won’t REALLY watch though, she’ll be buried in her phone the entire time and only glance up after you’ve walked, jogged and loped both directions, performed four flawless flying changes, sidepassed both directions, and done three pivots that would make a world’s trainer jealous, all while riding with both hands behind your back while singing a Greek translation of Ava Maria.  Once all of that nonsense is done, you’ll have to let every one of those brats scattered throughout your property ride your horse too.  For 30 minutes each. 

Not one of these kids has ever had a riding lesson in its LIFE, no one brought a helmet (so get your ass back to the barn and get them one, and make sure you show Mom where to sign on the waiver, because she probably can’t read) and all are wearing shorts and sandals.  Hence the OBVIOUS need for a “babysitter horse” because Mommy “Just wants a good, quiet horse that I can drop them off at the barn to play with and not have to worry”.  You’ll obviously have to make it a lead-line lesson, and spend a few hours hoofing around the arena leading your horse and praying that the gods will strike both you and your horse down right there to save you from this torture.  These kids will holler, they’ll kick the shit out of your horse’s sides and flail like fish out of water, but he’ll keep plodding along next to you because of the hours of showmanship training you’ve worked on together.  Mom will take TONS of pictures to immediately upload to Facebook, and life will be grand for all of her friends, family, and coworkers with nothing else to do except to “like” them.  Your life, and the life of your horse, currently sucks, but who cares?  You’re only there to entertain the kids for free! 

After you’ve acquired four new blisters on your feet, and your horse has CLEARLY run out of gas and patience, its time to call it a day and untack.  Maybe when they see how awesome your guy is to unbridle and hose down, they’ll fall in love and leave a deposit, right??  Don’t worry, Mom and the kids have already lost interest and are on their way back to the Suburban with a wave and a “We’ll be in touch!  Thanks!”. 

Isn’t this FUN?!  And to think: you have three more appointments to show him AGAIN this weekend!! 

Decoding Craigslist

About a year and a half ago, I was fortunate enough to have my first assistant join my program.  I consider this a good thing because quite frankly, no one believed the stupid shit I put up with on a daily basis, and now I was blessed with a witness.  At the time, I'd made a semi-decent living (for a college kid) buying horses off of Craigslist and other non-horse-specific classified sites, mainly benefitting from the ignorance of owners who had decided their horses were "too green" (which really means "too smart"), or "just junk, lame horses" (those were always my favorite).  If the ad said "MUST GO!" we usually went and got it, spent a few months putting a brain back in its skull, teaching it some useful skills (NOT treating humans like scratching posts, vending machines, and crash-test dummies, for starters), and then selling it for a bit of a profit to someone much more qualified to own it than the person we bought it from.

It didn't take long before my assistant and I coined a term I still use today "Stupid-Owner-Syndrome" or S.O.S., as we called it when the owner was standing right there trying to sell us their horse.  S.O.S. really means “This person is too goddamn stupid to own a guinea pig, let alone a horse”.  When you say to your partner "Wow...this horse has REALLY bad SOS, I don't know if we can do anything with it...." the price gets cheaper!  I've also noticed that when we showed up at these houses and it takes me three and a half minutes to turn a jackass, pushy, disrespectful horse into a nice, soft, cooperative partner, that 99% of the time, the owner had already written off the horse we were looking at and was too busy wandering around with their thumb up their ass or working on ruining ANOTHER horse to pay much attention to what I was doing.  Perhaps if some of these owners had spent a minute or two watching what we did, they'd have nicer horses.  But then again....

Because of my increasing frustration with driving all over Michigan and Ohio to pick up SOS horses, and the fact that I have NO desire to wear out another tow vehicle with the mileage I was driving, I’ve since changed direction and prefer to get my project and rescue horses from auctions now.  Quite frankly, it’s a great deal more fun to piss off several different meat buyers in one location, plus the people watching is something you really can’t fully embrace until you’ve sat in the stands at some of these places.  It’s fantastic.  Think “People of Wal-Mart” plus some Amish influence, then add beer, more Lyrca, lots of camouflage and a few cowboy hats.  I never heard a pair of pants cry in pain until I went to Vassar for the first time. 

People lie at auctions, but their horses won’t, and I can deal with 20 stupid people trying to sell me their horse in the course of a few hours if it gives me the opportunity to look at 20 different horses.  “Aw yeah, she’s real kid safe!  That kickin’n’bitin’ thing she does is only cuz she’s nervous here!”.  Yep, okay.  I also understand that people are generally intimidated by auctions, and for good reason.  Drugged up man-eaters, lame and abused horses, stuff you think you can save until you get it home and go “ohmygod, what the hell did I buy?!”, you could end up with any of them by simply raising your hand and bidding, if the one-eyed auctioneer sees you.  I completely understand the aversion to buying from auctions, but let’s be honest, internet shopping and the Stupid Owner Syndrome that sometimes comes with it can often be even worse.  So do me a favor, stay away from auctions (so I can buy cheaper), and buy your horses from the jackasses on Craigslist please (so I don’t have to deal with them).  Thanks.

So in honor of it being springtime, and the fact that Craigslist is ripe with morons selling horses, I’ve decided to tackle some of the most frequently-seen clues that you’re dealing with Stupid Owner Syndrome in Craigslist ads, and what these phrases usually mean.  I’m not going to include the ad link, because I’ll probably end up offending someone (gee, imagine that!).  So I hope this helps! 

“Barely green broke” – The horse has probably seen a saddle on a fence.  Once.

“Too much for me” – They should have bought a dog.  A small dog.

“Sometimes bucks” – Always bucks, and they allow it.  Hire a PBR rider for 30 days to combat this one.

“Can be pushy” – The owners double as punching bags, feed it cookies by the bagful, and don’t have “NO” in their vocabulary.  Odds are, you can push them around too and get the horse pretty darn cheap.

“Will trade for kid-safe horse” – They’re too stupid to have bought a kid-safe horse to begin with, but this one was cheaper!

“Bites sometimes” – Carry one of those hollow, plastic whiffle-ball bats when you go to look, and smack the owner upside the head with it.  Very rarely can a horse NOT be taught proper manners, but something dangerously stupid, like this owner, needs to be stopped NOW.

“Needs some groceries” – When they don’t post a picture, plan on spending $500 in the first week trying to put weight and nutrients back into this horse. 

“Not registered, good breeding stallion potential” – Dear lord, RUN.  Well, grab the horse, then run…..all the way home and cut its nuts off.  Then pray the owner doesn’t have kids and hasn’t passed on their brilliance.

“Only been a broodmare” – she probably doesn’t lead, has god-awful conformation, and no manners, but hell, SOMEONE will want to put a saddle on her after 15 years of baby-making, right?!

“Lame” – I got my one-in-a-million horse this way, a two-time world’s show western pleasure mare by a multiple world-champion sire that the owner bought to “make into a barrel horse”.  He let some idiot with a pair of nippers and a rasp pretend to be a farrier and hacked apart this mare so badly she could barely walk.  Then decided to dump her on Craigslist because she was lame.  He never called a vet, never bothered to spend any time trying to figure out what MIGHT be wrong, just dumped her like yesterday’s trash.  There’s not a damn thing wrong with this horse other than she had a dumbfuck of an owner and needed to grow some hoof back.  To this day, I still jump at the opportunity to save any “lame” horse on Craigslist.  You never know when you’ll find a diamond in someone else’s dumpster, and if you can get to them before the killers do, you’re doing the horse a HUGE favor.

“Foundered” – this usually means fat and crippled.  Usually you can save them, but sometimes its kindest just to get them away from that particular owner who probably still has them on green pasture and put them down.  Of course, sometimes “founder” doesn’t even really MEAN founder, it means the horse/pony is lazy and the owner is stupid.  More often than not, that’s the real story. 

“Needs work with the farrier” – He/She killed the last two farriers, but give the horse enough drugs to put them into a semi-conscious, three-legged stupor and they’re FINE!

I hope this was helpful…